"I Don't Know Nothin' About Birthin' No Babies!"

My sister, Carrie is having a baby - soon. Now most people know at least one person who might know someone who has had a baby before, but this will be different. I understand that she is dialated. This disappoints me because she should know better than to be smoking pot while she is pregnant.

I imagine that Carrie will be rotating between three personalities at the hospital. The first will be characterized by her yelling, "Lawdy, lawdy, lawdy!! What iz happnin' to me? Oh merciful Jesus!! Lawdy, Lawdy, Lawdy! Ahm in so much pain, merciful Jesus! Lawd!!"

The second personality will be the fake calm personlaility as she pretends to breathe like she's been told. "Whew, whew, whew. You know, whew , whew, whew, this is going to be just fine. Whew, whew, whew, the doctors and nurses here, whew, whew, are very excellent, whew, whew. And polite, whew, whew, no one has even whew, been on my case, whew, for smoking pot, whew."

The third personality will be a cross between a demon and Aunt Esther from "Samford and Son." This is the point where she is in bed and grabs her husband by the collar, brings him close to her face and yells, "I want pizza! Bring me sum dayum pizza. You did this to me. At least I think it wuz you, now where iz mah pizza!!" At this point I must introduce her poor husband Dean. Now before you conservative readers go off, this is just Dean, not Howard Dean the tree-huggin', tax raisin', Clinton-votin', baby-killin', Jesus hatin', France-lovin liberal. Also when I write "just Dean" I know it can sound like "Justine" in the south. And his name is not Justine. That would make him gay or a lesbian or a cross dressing UVA fan. I shouldn't write about his cross dressing, because I can't confirm it and if I say anything more about his choice in alternative clothing, well, it could start rumors.

So Dean (not Howard, or Justine) will have to learn how to hide. He should ask my dad how. He is a pro. Which reminds me that the baby will be a boy. I know this because I have seen his penis on a sonogram and it glowed. My sister was showing us his man-hood profile and was very proud (as she should be) that people couldn't tell the difference between that and his leg. Dean was very quiet. "If it's that big, I can't be the father," is what it looked like he was thinking. Because he wasn't acting proud, he was acting concerned.

The baby will be named "Jake" after my dad. This means that he will smell funny, have bad manners and that his penis is sure to shrink. Their last name is East. So they were going to name the baby something like "North" or "West." Dean had suggested naming the boy Marla, but quikly backed off as if he revealed something he didn't mean to.

So good luck to all. I am sure that the hospital will get over the storm that is coming their way and that Dean will learn how to hide. He could always hide here in Atlanta. We don't care what you wear here.