Army Soldier Unleashes Gas In Iraq

If you think you heard war stories on TV, wait till you hear about my brother's butt kickin' in Iraq. My brother just recently returned from Iraq. He spent about 200 years there playing daddy to young soldiers and terrorizing the locals with his flatulence. It should be noted that he comes by his flatulence honestly. (They call my mom "Boomer" with good reason).

Anyway my brother (here after referred to as the "Terminator") who is not a violent person by nature, managed to get violent in Iraq. I know this because while he didn't shoot people, he did shoot buildings. Apparantly, according to the Terminator, a full 93.2% of all of the pock marks you see on buildings in Iraq were placed there by him. "Shooting at buildings is good clean fun. I get in trouble every time I do it in the States."

I asked him if he ever shot at the enemy. "No, they moved around too much. Besides, we had guys who did that stuff. Buildings don't move. Much easier targets." I forgot to mention the Teminator is very old so he needed to only be shooting at big things that didn't move. Also, because of his old age (I think the army calls it"seniority") he was limited mostly to shuffling papers and killing empty buildings.

At one point they decided to have hime "ride along" with convoys. Now this was dangerous work and would have been even more so had they let him drive. This gave him lots of practice at shooting buildings. And, as a bonus, he was able to shoot at buildings that would have been too far to walk to. How much shooting did he do? Well as he put it, "Only wimps return to base with bullets."

His special weapon, though, was in the army beans. Lots and lots of army beans. Even now he gets tears in his eyes remembering his beloved beans. (It should be noted that his wife , the Terminatrix, keeps no beans in the house because she is much smarter than the army). So my brother would eat the beans and ride in the convoy yelling things out the window of his truck like,"Come and get me now you Iraqi turds! Let me show you what mamma taught me!" Explosions would be heard, men would duck for cover and the Terminator would just smile quietly to himself. I asked him if his habits caused harm to his own men. "Hell no, they had gas masks! It's their fault if they didn't wear'em." He even wrote a poem about his experience:

"Beans, beans the wonderfull fruit,
My explosions and effusions will make them scoot!
And all those insurgents who don't like my smell,
Better stay upwind or they'll surely catch hell!"

At this point the Terminatrix rolls her eyes and signals that it is time for the old man's nap.