Beware The Pee Nazi

Of course, to expect a normal Christmas at our house is like expecting Virginia Tech to not have a felon on the football team. Or expecting Southern Mississippi to be able to defeat The University of Our Lady of the Woods - El Paso during regular season play.

Anyway, you might be wondering what all this has to do with the Pee Nazi. Well, as it turns out the Tech Grad was unable to complete a successful download of the yard monkey because the monkey had an attitude. So the Yard Monkey Doctor determined that if the kid wasn't going to cooperate that he would go in and take the child by force. I think they call it a "C-Section." The kid turned out to weigh only seven pounds, which is bad because if you are going to have an attitude you should have some weight to back it up. Either that or a gun. But lacking both leaves you vunerable to doctors who just don't have time for all that crap.

So now it's Christmas Eve, a week after the Doctor/Monkey confrontation and the Tech Grad starts to turn inside out. I'm not kidding. One minute we're talking and the next minute my wife says, "Hey, you're turning inside out." Turning inside out can't be a good thing. Apparently the Tech Grad blew out some staples or stitches or something and started to open up across the mid-section. She didn't feel anything because she was stoned on pain killers. Which is why my wife, who tends to notice things like gushing rivers of blood, was the first to point out the problem.

According to the internet (you should believe everything you read on the internet) once a C-Section incision starts to open up it will not stop, allowing everything that is inside to move to the outside until the outside is on the inside and vice-versa. And Bingo Presto - you're inside out! Now, for some families having someone turn inside out may be a normal occurrence, but not even our disfunctional family has seen anything like this. So Just Dean calls the Yard Monkey On Call Service and explains that his wife is turning inside out and wants to know just exactly what, if anything, should be done. Their advice was to "bring her in before she turns completely inside out and looks like Jaba The Hut from "Star Wars."

Now it's off to the hospital. The people at the emergency room were very nice and were excited that a cast member from Star Wars was actually there in person. After signing some autographs the Tech Grad was hauled off to surgery to stop the splitting process and, more importantly, score some top shelf pain killers.

The following day the doctor told her she could go home - after she peed. To oversee the Pee Process they assigned the hospital Pee Nazi. The Tech Grad knew she was in trouble when the Pee Nazi demanded that she drink at least 2 gallons of Coke in ten minutes. (By now it was Christmas Day and even Pee Nazi's want to be home on Christmas). The Tech Grad cringed when the Pee Nazi wrote "Urine trouble young lady" on the chart. Hours passed and no pee. Gas passed, and no pee. Finally, the Pee Nazi determined that the reason the Tech Grad couldn't pee was because she was too close to the bathroom. "Let's walk to the other end of the hall, the furthest point from the toilet," said the PN. "If you are too far away to get back in time, you'll have to pee. It works everytime." A few minutes later the Tech Grad was sent home, the PN was able to clock out, and the janitor had a mess at the other end of the hall.

So baby and mommy and Just Dean are all at home now. Their house is the one on the street with all of the cars out front. Word that you have lots of quality pain killers travels fast in the Roanoke Valley.