Tech Grad Thinks Back To Her Youth

Carrie, the fetus laden sister, remembered her first high school date and how he reacted to meeting my dad. "He was shocked that my dad could attempt to match all of those colors and fabrics at the same time." As for her take on her first boyfriend, "He wasn't very photogenic and he couldn't hold his booze. But I loved his hair. Ooh he had such nice hair."

She has started thinking about her early days. "Being retrospective is what us prospective moms do," she explains. But will she ever reveal how she used to score pocket change and her run in with the LAW?

Her hubby, Just Dean, is understanding, "I had my wild days," he revealed. "One time, I stayed out past 9:30. Man, was I in trouble."

But late nights out are a thing of the past for this couple. Soon all they will know will be the different fluids that a large baby can create (with the associated smells and orifices from whence they are produced). Screaming and loud crying will be the norm. But Just Dean will not be able to sustain his tantrums and will have to relent to the work at hand.

The BABY DROP will be at any time.

Developing . . .

Tech Grad Defends Her Bird

The previous post (which was not meant to impugn any school anywhere, hardly at all, well sort of, OK yeah I got a dig in on Va. Tech. And maybe Radford - a little) seems to have ruffled some feathers (sorry). My sister, the Va. Tech grad, sent me this picture of the frightening Tech mascot. She will use images of this bird to discipline her child.

Now I know fear.

Thanks, sis.

Good Parenting Can Overcome Bad Influences

Most people try to avoid Blacksburg, Virginia. My sister Carrie, who is about to unleash a yard monkey from her womb, heard there was a party in Blacksburg and went to check it out. It turns out they call the party Virginia Tech. She liked the party and stayed. Eventually she graduated with a "Kollej Digree." There are two ways to get a degree at Virginia Tech. One is to stay at the party long enough that you "age out." The other way is to drive around campus with an open window. Someone is bound to throw a diploma into your car. You just don't know what the degree will be in. Sometimes you have to drive around a good twenty minutes before you get a diploma in something you like. I would never drive around Va. Tech with my window open because once you have a degree from that school it is difficult to dis-own. Some employer will find out and, after that, welfare is your only option.

My other sister, Helen, actually LIVES in Blacksburg. No one understands it. She is smart enough to know better. She has a degree in Criminal Justice, which is good because she has two kids. Every parent with two or more kids should have a degree in Criminal Justice. Or at least a degree in Criminal because after a while justice is no longer a priority. Her kids are very bright. You would never know that they live in Blacksburg. To spend time with them you would swear that they must be from someplace like Charlottesville or another reputable university town. They will, I believe, be the exception to the Blacksburgian Rule. They will run major corporations and the only trailer they will ever know is the movie preview kind. This is because my sister, Helen, will not allow them to behave as if they are from Blacksburg.

I think that the problem with Blacksburg is that the university mascot is a Hokie. For those of you that are not true believers in the World Wrestling Federation - a hokie is a castrated turkey. I am not making this up. Turkeys are already harmless dumb birds. But to do that to such a pitiful animal is just plain mean. At Va. Tech football games they play a loud turky gobble to scare the opponents. In the middle of the game you suddenly hear a high pitched, fast paced, "GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE." At this point the opposing team wets themselves - - from laughter. I think that the recorded turkey gobble would be more fear inducing if it had a proper amount of testosterone in its system.

My brother, The Terminator, went to Radford University. I don't think Radford has a mascot. If it did it, they would be the Radford Comatose. Everyone is afraid of comas. But, being Radford, someone would spell coma, c-o-m-m-a. That would pretty much end it. No one is afraid of a comma. Unless they had a really bad language arts experience.

This brings us to the crux of the problem. Universities pick mascots that instill fear. This means that the folks in Blacksburg are actually afraid of castrated turkeys. Now, I would think that turkeys would not necessarily be something to be anxious about, unless of course, the bird has revenge on its mind.

So Helen and her husband are raising two girls in this atmosphere. Her husband isn't afraid of turkeys because he is a hunter and shoots stuff with his gun. And I don't care how angry your average castrated turkey is, he can't stop a bullet. Maybe this is why Helen's kids are so smart. There is no fear in their household of vengeful turkeys on the prowl.

Hopefully her kids will go to a good college like THE University of Virginia. They can be Wahoos and carry small swords and wear really flashy hats with feathers. But in the meantime, they will have to work at overcoming their environment. And by all I can see, their parents have them on the right track.

Mike Tyson Makes A Comeback, Yo

Mike Tyson will replace Ron Artest on the Indiana Pacers basketball team. "I am so excited," said Tyson of the deal. "I get to be beatin' on scrawny white people and get me some moneys. I told coach dat I'd bite em' if he say so. You know, I was born a fighter so I can't wait for da first game." The next Pacers game will only be shown on pay-per-view.

The legendary Don King brokered the deal. "Mike Tyson is the greatest basketball efficienado expert of all time. His prowessnes in the ring has translatability to the court. Of this I am outstandasciously overconfidentable."

Pacers fans are eager to fight Tyson. "This is the greatest thing that has ever happened in basketball, " said one fan. "I'm buying extra beer and popcorn! I mean, to go a few rounds with Iron Mike Tyson? Are you kidding me? It's a basketball fan's dream."

Another fan echoed that thought. "Artest hits like a girl. Tyson will be much better."

Developing . . .

The Difference Between A Roll And A Biscuit

I have recently written about my brother's (The Terminator) extended service in Iraq. There will be more stories coming soon and if he won't tell them then I just have to make some up - because, hey, I just promised more of those stories. Anyway, since my sister is about to download a linoleum lizard any day, I thought it appropriate to give you, the reader, a small glance at my other siblings' families. Since my brother is old and could die any day it is only fair that his family be featured first.

The Terminator is married to the Terminatrix and they have one son. The kid's name is Opie or Barney or some other name from the old TV show and he is already smarter than his dad (which may not be saying much). Oh, his name is Android, the Son of Terminator and Terminatrix. Android is in high school and apparently is really enjoying his third tour of duty in tenth grade. He has, according to his father, a girlfriend named Stella or Steve or something. She supposedly has only one tooth and it is smack dab ("smack dab" - sounds like Andy Griffith doesn't it?) in the middle of her mouth. Having the one tooth placed perfectly in the center of her mouth is helpful because she works at the local Krispy Kreme carving holes in doughnuts.

The tooth, after years of service in the doughnut industry, is not doing so well and has turned an ominous shade of green. Fortunately, the Krispy Kreme Dental Plan will cover the replacement of the tooth and, to ensure longevity and more efficient cutting, this one will be gold plated. This makes The Terminator happy because it means a continued steady flow of free doughnuts to his house.

I don't know why The Terminator is so interested in free doughnuts because The Terminatrix can really cook. Food is serious business at the Terminator household and both The Terminator and Android are very well fed. Of course, because of the genetic make-up of her husband and son, the Terminatrix allows no beans in the house. But she does serve up real food real well. What she does best is dinner rolls. She makes great rolls. DO NOT make the mistake here of confusing a roll with a biscuit. Yankees tend to not know the difference so I'll take a moment and explain the difference here.

You can eat a roll faster than you can eat a biscuit. Biscuits are dryer and you must stop and sip some beverage mid-bisciut. As for rolls, you can eat nine or ten of those suckers without getting thirsty. Anyway, that's the way my family does it.

So if the Terminatrix will leave her recipe for rolls or biscuits or any other favorite dish of either The Terminator or Android, Son of The Terminator and Terminatrix - all of cyber space would appreciate it. Meanwhile, I think I'll go get some doughnuts.

Popular Carol Re-Write Reflects New Reality

Oh you better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is dead

He can't see you when your sleeping
Doesn't know if you're awake
Doesn't know if you've been bad or good
So, hey, who cares?

Crime rate to soar in 2005.
Developing. . .

Army Soldier Unleashes Gas In Iraq

If you think you heard war stories on TV, wait till you hear about my brother's butt kickin' in Iraq. My brother just recently returned from Iraq. He spent about 200 years there playing daddy to young soldiers and terrorizing the locals with his flatulence. It should be noted that he comes by his flatulence honestly. (They call my mom "Boomer" with good reason).

Anyway my brother (here after referred to as the "Terminator") who is not a violent person by nature, managed to get violent in Iraq. I know this because while he didn't shoot people, he did shoot buildings. Apparantly, according to the Terminator, a full 93.2% of all of the pock marks you see on buildings in Iraq were placed there by him. "Shooting at buildings is good clean fun. I get in trouble every time I do it in the States."

I asked him if he ever shot at the enemy. "No, they moved around too much. Besides, we had guys who did that stuff. Buildings don't move. Much easier targets." I forgot to mention the Teminator is very old so he needed to only be shooting at big things that didn't move. Also, because of his old age (I think the army calls it"seniority") he was limited mostly to shuffling papers and killing empty buildings.

At one point they decided to have hime "ride along" with convoys. Now this was dangerous work and would have been even more so had they let him drive. This gave him lots of practice at shooting buildings. And, as a bonus, he was able to shoot at buildings that would have been too far to walk to. How much shooting did he do? Well as he put it, "Only wimps return to base with bullets."

His special weapon, though, was in the army beans. Lots and lots of army beans. Even now he gets tears in his eyes remembering his beloved beans. (It should be noted that his wife , the Terminatrix, keeps no beans in the house because she is much smarter than the army). So my brother would eat the beans and ride in the convoy yelling things out the window of his truck like,"Come and get me now you Iraqi turds! Let me show you what mamma taught me!" Explosions would be heard, men would duck for cover and the Terminator would just smile quietly to himself. I asked him if his habits caused harm to his own men. "Hell no, they had gas masks! It's their fault if they didn't wear'em." He even wrote a poem about his experience:

"Beans, beans the wonderfull fruit,
My explosions and effusions will make them scoot!
And all those insurgents who don't like my smell,
Better stay upwind or they'll surely catch hell!"

At this point the Terminatrix rolls her eyes and signals that it is time for the old man's nap.

We Are All Lunatics!!

I just found out from Just Dean that my sister will give birth in the family tradition. At first I thought he meant that she would give birth in a car pulled over by the police while the driver was being arrested for drunk driving. But apparently Just Dean was referring to a whole other family tradition that I did not know about. Apparently, for generations, the females on my mom's side of the family give birth during full moons. I had to put a picture of the moon with this post because without it people, who know my family tree, would assume the the phrase "full moon" has something to do with my dad and Aunt BettyAnn. Which, of course, it could but thankfully doesn't. I would hate to have to describe that scene from a long ago party, and I don't have pictures of the event. So let's just leave that right there.

Anyway, my sister will download the rug rat during a full moon next week. Exactly who will do all of the howling is still up for debate. We'll just have to check in later.

Celebrity Death Match!! Eminem vs. Minime

Minime and Eminem are in a dispute over who should change a single letter in the spelling of their names so that their names, when spelled backwards, appear the same. "Eminem is just picking fights everywhere," said the diminutive movie star. "He hates midgets. Pure and simple."

Celebrity Death Match! Jackson vs Eminem

Michael Jackson be hatin' on Eminem. Eminem be dissin' Michael.

(Translation: Michael Jackson is upset with Eminem because Eminem makes light of Michael Jackson's legal troubles in his latest video).

PhotoDude Kicks Butt At CBS

PhotoDude was upset the other night and now his publication of his personal outrage has caused a poor, defenseless producer at CBS to lose her job. All of this began when Arafat chose to die during a highly rated "CSI Internal Special New York Crimes Victim's Unit" television show on CBS. For some reason the producer interupted the show "right at the good part" to announce Arafat's demise. At first, CBS issued an apology, but thought better of it and fired the individual in charge of the decision making. Arafat had no comment on the ordeal. So there are two lessons here. One- if you are famous do not die "right at the good part" of one of PhotoDude's shows. Two- PhotoDude will come after you big time if you cross him. Arafat is lucky he's dead.

The New World Threat

It's time to get a perspective on just what the latest threat to world peace has turned out to be. Fanatical Islam has now found a place in history along with communism and facism. Islamic Facists are now killing wherever they can and whenever possible. From the Ivory Coast to the Netherlands, the Pacific Rim and the Middle East, this new threat is real and growing. The larger conflict has yet to reveal itself and is so far limited to a few hot spots around the world. The most threatening aspect, however, is the deafening silence on the subject from supposedly peaceful Muslims. Their complicity is exposed by their refusal to take a loud and firm stand against barbarism. By refusing to condemn these actions they are, in effect, allowing it to spread. The Muslim community is so far using the fact that the world is more concerned about appearing racist than demanding a Muslim response to this new reality. This fear of being derided as impolitic is providing cover for a growing danger.

While a dovish society wrings its hands, wondering what to do and how to avoid the ire of the enemy, the world slowly marches forward to a certain conflagration that will rival both of the first world wars. The fight will ultimately be a religious one. Christians and unlikely allies will be arrayed against a force that rejoices in matyrdom and sees anarchy as a first step towards rebuilding a Holy Muslim Empire. If society thinks that this new enemy will try to salvage anything and thus avoid certain targets or tactics, then society will have greatly underestimated this threat.

The result of all of this will be a horrifying death toll. The non-Muslims will win, but without a moderate wing willing to take a stand, Islam may cease to exist as a force of any kind. All of this can be avoided only if alleged moderate Muslims enter the fight in a forceful and volumous way. The extremists must be isolated within their own religion. It will not make them go away, but it will make them weaker. And the weaker they are, the safer we all are.

Another Nanny-Nanny Poo-Poo

Maureen Dowd and the rest of the left still don't get it. Cries of Nanny-Nanny Poo-Poo are being heard from every corner of the country in a vain attempt to explain this latest defeat of liberalism.

"Bunches of Rednecks ran out and voted in huge numbers!" stated Justine Dean in explaining his registering this post election Nanny-Poo. "That's just not right. Republicans got every dumb redneck they could find out to vote. We tried to get our dumb people out and we just don't have as many. We need more dumb people on the left. We're just too smart for our own good."

Other intellectual elitists agree. "Really, how they got all of those idiots out to vote when they can barely read or speak in coherent sentences is amazing," said one well connected DNC operative. "Justine is right. As long as they have all of the dumb people and we only have smart ones, we're going to continue to lose and lose big."

The operative had no answer in explaining the dummies in Florida who couldn't read a ballot in 2000. "Well, the best I can figure is that they used to be republicans and just hadn't completely caught up yet."

No one knows what this latest round of Nanny-Nanny Poo-Poo will bring about. There is no doubt that the left is fired up. Amoung other things they are angry that in Ohio, as well as other states, dead people, fictional people, and felons were systematically denied the right to vote. They are also upset that George Soros lost almost 30 million dollars on the campaign. One dispirited college democrat was wondering out loud if they should have a fund raiser to help Mr. Soros recoup his loss. "Maybe we could have a car wash or something."

The fallout will surely continue. "The strategy is to tell it like it is," stated Professor Riley Spindorf of Virginia Tech. "Maureen Dowd and the other talking heads of the left will be unmerciful in lambasting the uneducated right wing of the country. They will explain, in writing, step by step exactly how stupid these voters are, and that no one with an IQ over 72 voted for Bush. They will further demonstrate that going to church is OK but being religious will not be tolerated. We will just wear them down until they get smarter and vote for whoever the DNC nominates next time around." The professor had no answer when it was pointed out that none of the republican voters could read so they probably would not get the message.

Developing. . .

"I Don't Know Nothin' About Birthin' No Babies!"

My sister, Carrie is having a baby - soon. Now most people know at least one person who might know someone who has had a baby before, but this will be different. I understand that she is dialated. This disappoints me because she should know better than to be smoking pot while she is pregnant.

I imagine that Carrie will be rotating between three personalities at the hospital. The first will be characterized by her yelling, "Lawdy, lawdy, lawdy!! What iz happnin' to me? Oh merciful Jesus!! Lawdy, Lawdy, Lawdy! Ahm in so much pain, merciful Jesus! Lawd!!"

The second personality will be the fake calm personlaility as she pretends to breathe like she's been told. "Whew, whew, whew. You know, whew , whew, whew, this is going to be just fine. Whew, whew, whew, the doctors and nurses here, whew, whew, are very excellent, whew, whew. And polite, whew, whew, no one has even whew, been on my case, whew, for smoking pot, whew."

The third personality will be a cross between a demon and Aunt Esther from "Samford and Son." This is the point where she is in bed and grabs her husband by the collar, brings him close to her face and yells, "I want pizza! Bring me sum dayum pizza. You did this to me. At least I think it wuz you, now where iz mah pizza!!" At this point I must introduce her poor husband Dean. Now before you conservative readers go off, this is just Dean, not Howard Dean the tree-huggin', tax raisin', Clinton-votin', baby-killin', Jesus hatin', France-lovin liberal. Also when I write "just Dean" I know it can sound like "Justine" in the south. And his name is not Justine. That would make him gay or a lesbian or a cross dressing UVA fan. I shouldn't write about his cross dressing, because I can't confirm it and if I say anything more about his choice in alternative clothing, well, it could start rumors.

So Dean (not Howard, or Justine) will have to learn how to hide. He should ask my dad how. He is a pro. Which reminds me that the baby will be a boy. I know this because I have seen his penis on a sonogram and it glowed. My sister was showing us his man-hood profile and was very proud (as she should be) that people couldn't tell the difference between that and his leg. Dean was very quiet. "If it's that big, I can't be the father," is what it looked like he was thinking. Because he wasn't acting proud, he was acting concerned.

The baby will be named "Jake" after my dad. This means that he will smell funny, have bad manners and that his penis is sure to shrink. Their last name is East. So they were going to name the baby something like "North" or "West." Dean had suggested naming the boy Marla, but quikly backed off as if he revealed something he didn't mean to.

So good luck to all. I am sure that the hospital will get over the storm that is coming their way and that Dean will learn how to hide. He could always hide here in Atlanta. We don't care what you wear here.

Why I Don't Do Politics For A Living

See "EduDude Out On A Limb."

No Wait Voting

The wife and I went to vote yesterday and did not have to wait. As a matter of fact we were surrounded by poll workers with nothing much to do. "You should have been here this morning," a nice lady told me. "The line went clear out the door." As a matter of fact when we arrived at the polling station we thought we were at the wrong place because there were hardly any cars in the parking lot. So to those of you who had to wait. . . Nya Nya Nya!!!

Begala, Big Jim, Tucker and the Cripple

There they were at 1:00am. Begala, Carville, Carlson and Novak. The Crossfire gang, worn out and clearly ready to go home. I am writing about this because it was a strange moment. When asked about the hopes of the democrats in the future Carville said that it was too late in the evening to spin, "so I'll just tell you the truth." What he said after that didn't matter. What did matter is the fact that the conversation that followed was devoid of any spin. No gloating, no whining, just four smart guys talking about politics and the election. I was amazed that they had it in them. It was also evident that they really are faking it on their show. If Crossfire wants to revive ratings they should review last nights tape. I would watch that show.

Bush Defeats Rather!

First his father took it to 'ol Dan and now the son has delivered yet another blow to this anchor man's belief system. That's good enough for me. Dan tried his best to pretend to be a journalist while crusading for Kerry. It's time for Danno to retire.

Why You Should Not Support The Next President

Over the last few days, centrists and the "can't we all just get along" crowd have begun the traditional blather about coming together after the election. I say don't do it. Why? Well the first reaction is that I must be a bad apple. Disgruntled, etc. But I am saying this before the election, not after. My reasoning is simple. If you believe in certain things you should not abdicate your personal philosophy just to appease the moment. Because, and trust me on this, that moment will pass. This election has struck many chords. Which is strange because not long ago we weren't sure that it would be able to find a single note. For those who are voting for what you belienve in, good for you. Some are voting because they have sort of picked a team and are involved only at that level. But if you are voting based on some core belief then you must hold on to that belief even after the election.

If Bush wins and you voted for Kerry, you must hope that the democrats in congress work day and night against passing laws that would insult your belief system. The same is true for Bush supporters if Kerry wins. I have made two points clear on this blog. The first is that I support Bush, the second is that I think Bush will lose. In the event of a Bush loss I will demand that the republicans in congress force Kerry to the middle just like they did Clinton. Clinton was a liberal who was stuck with a centrist presidency.

What you believe in is what leads you to choices in life. The sum total of all of those choices is who you are. I respect dedicated liberals even though I completely disagree with their political belief system. Kind of like the old cartoon with the sheep dog and the coyote. They clock in every day, beat each other up and clock out again.

This fight has been going on since the founding of this nation. It will continue long past tomorrow. Lines will shift. Who knows, some day the south might be a democratic stronghold again while New York votes straight republican. The point is that if you are involved in politics at any level, the battle for the soul of America will never end. So good luck and have fun!